Thursday, June 01, 2006

The girl's guide to dating budding politicos

In the spirit of procrastinating, I decided to write a guide for dating men from the youth wing of some of New Zealand's main political parties. I was orginally going to some how link idealogy to dating, but then it got hard. So i've decided to mainly rely on sterotypes.

If anyone has suggestions that would be great!

The Young Nats

In my opinion, the young Nats have one up on every single other youth wing of any political party in New Zealand. That reason can be summed up in one word: SUITS. It is widely known fact that young Nats wear suits regularly on a ratio of 5:1 to all other political parties combined. Suits are hot. Unfortunately, if you do continue dating one of them, eventually settling down with them, etc, you must be aware that he may end up looking like Don Brash, or Jim Bolger (although he is quite cuddly looking) If you MUST date a young National, go for one that reminds you of Bill English. Why? Because he is lovely. Almost as lovely as curtains. Young Nats also tend to fit certain stereotypes about New Zealand, in that many of them show shocking similarities to rugby players –speaking in a strange language that resembles grunting.

Young Labour

If you have found a straight man in Young Labour, congratulations, there aren’t many. If you have found one of these rare men, they will either be a rabid free-marketers, a muldoonist or someone who still dreams of a proletariat revolution. The Muldoonists* tend to buy you a lot of drinks and food in the spirit of collectivism, but the relationships tend to descend into a frozen state, with your neo-Muldoonist boyfriend crying aloud whenever he is forced to confront the harsh realities of a changing society. Free-marketers tend to believe in the spirit of individualism and more often then not will be terrible at sharing popcorn, cheese-lovers pizza, vegetarian curry, fries etc. They will insist that you must engage with the free-market yourself so you as an individual can buy you own popcorn, cheese-lovers pizza, vegetarian curry, fries etc.


One of the main differences between Act and National is that ACT tend to have a more socially liberal policy. Therefore young ACT are kinky men. If you get sick of the ‘traditionalist’ approach that you have with your young Nat/Labour boyfriend, the young men in act are the people to go to if you fancy a bit of S&M, role-play, threesomes etc. ACT men also love Ayn Rand, and will often ask you to wear a mask with her image on when you are getting down and dirty.


The men found in Greens tend to messy in that they are not often inclined to getting haircuts. Often, small creatures are born, live and die in their dreadlocked mop. They also run the risk of smelling. Why? Being environmentally friendly and loving all species under the sun, they cannot bring themselves to shower to get rid of the bacteria that actually live on their skin. Even once they get infested with fleas they cannot bring themselves to douse themselves in flea powder. The men in the young greens however have one thing going for them – the bad boy image. They are almost always radicals, believing in bringing down the ‘man’. This will undoubtedly add some excitement to your life as you will end up picketing big bag corporations, attending protests and getting arrested. Also, they are likely to have the largest amount of pot, and will tend to share it more in the spirit of collectivism.

*I know Muldoon WAS in the National party, but his economic policies were quite left. Furthermore this "muldoonist" referes to a muldoon lover within the Labour party.


stef said...

My guide to american politics.

Treat you like a lady on the date (pay for everything, take your coat, pull out your seat and even stand up where you return from the ladies) the go home whip you over their shoulder and fuck you sensless.

Beileve in women's rights. Ergo, you'll be paying for your half of dinner and they wouldn't take your coat nor pull out your seat and would only ever stand up when you return from the ladies to take a slash themselves. However in the bedroom expect, polite respectful sex.

Redeeming qualities of both persuasions. They make you breakfast the morning after if you stay at their place!

Pamziewamzie said...

Thanks for the very helpful advice chica :) (if only I had read this earlier haha)

If anything being involved with a leftie guy means we never talk because we agree on everything anyway. While it's so much fun seeing right wing guys - the arguing never stops. ;)

Sadly Stef, the republican sounds more appealing to me...

Single Girl in Londontown said...

My experience with shagging American men:

Democrats - absolutely fantastically dirty in bed. BUT - like to talk far too much about their feelings afterwards. Will drive you insane.

Republicans - hmmm well only shagged two (to be fair), and the sex was below average with one, and average with the second. Would probably go there again with both now though - if they turned up on my door in Londontown.


Not quite sure what that says about the two.

xx K

Holly Go-lightly said...

It's a shame the SUITS don't come with paper bags, as no matter how hot the suit is you still have to look at the face, which in regard to young political types is not always very desirable.

Rich said...

Isn't "Young National" an oxymoron?

stef said...

I think it may have more to who were are dating. My republicans tend to be in the armed services, whereas the democrats were teachers.

I love my servicemen I do. I'm all for lifting the ban on nuclear ship visits on the basis that there will be more American servicemen in New Zealand for me to shag. Yes horrible, selfish and shallow for me to say, but once you have experienced an old school warrant officer you don't want to go back.

Almost got myself a (former) sailor and so my tour of the services is almost complete.

Psycho Milt said...

Hmm, yes, well, the US Air Force is notoriously liberal and easy-going compared to the other services so you could probably finish it up at Navy. I see what you mean though - I spent the last 2 years working with US soldiers, and no other group has ever made me feel so flabby and ineffectual. I'd hate to be competing with them for sex, that's for sure.

Anonymous said...

David Cunliff is a hottie

Single Girl in Londontown said...

Stef - you could be right.

I was dating the 'washington dc' type. haha whatever that means.

But not one armed forces amongst them :(

mores the pity - by the sound of it.

K :)

Anonymous said...

Don't forget the Libz. They don't actually every have sex. But they do condemn how everyone else does it and talk about it for hours on end. The closest they get is falling at the feet of their guru, plying him with wine, bottle after bottle, and telling him wonderful he is. That gives them and him the type of master/servant relationship that they yearn for secretly.

Craig Ranapia said...

Cunliffe is a hottie? Well, that what he says. :)

stef said...

kiwigirl I think you need to go find yourself a warrant officer... after comparing notes with other girls we've decided that warrant officers are the best for short-term flings.

Bonus points if you can go out with one in their dress mess... Those suspenders are just made for snapping.

Pamziewamzie said...

Problem with 'armed service' officers is they always have to go off on a ship or a boat or something to save the world. My friend is going out with someone from the navy and she hates it.

Actually what about police officers? They all seem to be pretty hot. And firemen. Mmmm guys in uniform...

Sophia said...

Police officers are HOT. I love a man in uniform. Just not firefighters, they are all dirty with soot.

stef said...

Pam, that's what I love about those guys... I got shit to do. But based on the sheer number of TDYs (Temporiraly Divorced for a Year) and the MBAs (Married But Available)

I would never advise committing let along marrying one. Date yes. Shag, oh dear god yes. But any for of commitment beyond the next date is not a wise course of action.