Sunday, November 25, 2007

Out of Towners

On the streets, between hallways, in the bathrooms and the alike people have been asking Red Confectionery – What the hell is an Out of Towner? Free Dictionary online, Your and American Heritage dictionary define an Out of Towner as simply a visitor from another town or city.

Red Confectionery would like to extend that definition and place it in a New Zealand context. And lets face it, anywhere below the Bombay Hills and above North Shore city besides lets say Wellington and Christchurch is just small towns, villages and quaint countryside.

We have all encountered an Out of Towner, some more than others. They should never be confused with the country bumpkins, hicks and hillbillies. Hillbillies drives pick up trucks and deliver hay in winter. Country bumpkins are quaint, drink English breakfast tea and attend regular church meetings – it is possible that your own grandmother is a country bumpkin. Hicks are just hicks and need no definition.

The term Out of Towner was first mentioned a few months ago when Red Confectionery met a dear friend of ours (then) current hookup/potential love interest. Coffee was drank, words were exchanged and opinions based on first impressions were imprinted in Red Confectionery’s mind. Afterwards our dear friend asked the always inevitable question “ So what do you think of him?” to which Red Confectionery reply was “ He seemed nice but you could tell he was an Out of Towner”.

Since then Red Confectionery has been a tad obsessed with Out of Towner’s especially the male types. We have come to the conclusion that a successful relationship with an Out of Towner is near impossible especially for those confectioners residing in Auckland and most likely Wellington.

Lets look at some two dramatizations of Out of Towner encounters based on real life situations:

Scene One: You met a guy at a dance party, the beer goggles mixed with the amber lighting makes him and every other guy look hott. You hook up, there’s an exchange of saliva and he gets your actual digits. The following week he texts you and seems sweet. He mentions that he is lives in Thames and is coming up in a few weeks. You meet up and you first notice his unwashed unkempt hair that even the K rd and Elam art students wouldn’t even attempt. He wears brown corduroy pants and a grayish yellowish white woolen jumper that you thought died with Fred Dagg. After that he bores you to death with his small town stories and other quips that are so dull that its not even worth mentioning

Scene Two: You hang out with a guy who claims he is from the city, you reply so you’re from [insert Auckland or Wellington] here, he mentions no Hamilton. Smirk, chuckle. You and lets call him Jas hang out with the neighbors. You both get more than tipsy and the 3am munchies kick in. Luckily subway, kebabs and the night life is just around the corner. You and Jas walk up and the lovely ladies from Family and Cabaret embrace you with open air kisses. A few guys are holding hands and making out. It is a beautiful site. Love is all around even if it is punch drunk love. Jas seems quiet and has that facial expression that screams shock horror. You ask if he is okay and he comes back with " What a load of freaks, this place is fucking weird....fucking weirdos, its sick, gays should be locked up bla bla bla bla and so on"
Charming is it not? The walk back home is quiet and now you and the neighbors are looking for every excuse in the book to get rid of him without it being obvious.

But how does one define our New Zealand/Kiwi version of an Out of Towner - they are "special" breed of peoples and as said before should never be mistaken for the country hick, hillbilly or bumpkins. The above scenes are just insights into Red Confectionery's encounters with actual Out of Towners. Tragic yes i have to agree.

Here is some characteristics of an Out of Towner:
  • They wear rugby socks pulled up on a friday night in the city.
  • Have never ventured out from the town they were born in.
  • The local RSA is their local hangout - even if they are under the age of 60
  • They look like they wear clothes that were bought in an op shop ten years ago
  • UB40 is on their party playlist.
  • They stare at city people alot.
  • They think Hamilton is a city.
  • They think Whangarei is a city
  • They says things like ' He must of". [ For fucks sakes people, its ' He must have']
  • They think Helen Clark is a raging lesbian and that Winston Peters is the best thing since sliced bread.
  • Classic Hits is their favourite radio station
  • Out of Towners hate Aucklanders
  • They are easily charmed with anything from Glassons and a fluffy striped jumper.
  • Their diet consists of:
    • Breakfast - Toast, Margarine and Instant Coffee
    • Lunch - Ham Sandwiches
    • Dinner -lots of Mutton, maybe a kidney pie for special occasions. Mashed potato and tomato sauce. Maybe some tinned spaghetti.
    • Going out Dinner- Fish and Chips
  • They are terrified of Trannys.
  • They watch Flying Doctors and any other show that has farm dogs, tractors and green fields.
These are only a few of the characteristics but ones that Red Confectionery believes will stand out to our fellow patrons in the quest to find the Hottest Out of Towner. Out of Towners can also be the sweetest, kindest, loveliest peoples in the word but just a bit simple and are just plain tragic. Applications have been received for the hottest Out of Towner and Red Confectionery will posts a few profiles over the next few days.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Mindless Blogging

I've just arrived home from a long walk.
Am not one for long walks in the city. Breathing in car fumes and becoming one with the city never really appeals to me.
But it was needed.

Boredom + available wine = A bit more than tipsy.

The weekend has kicked in. My job is the best; Extremely flexible. Am taking tommorow (Friday) off though might pop in to play tennis and eat strawberries and cream on the sidelines with bubbles of course.

JT Tomorrow!! Exciting stuff.

x Molly

Update: This blog took forever to write. I could not find the shift key or parentheses keys...... i blame the heat and auckland traffic

Not Cool at All

So spent part of Tuesday afternoon/evening in Wellington Hospital's emergency department after being rescued from Scorching Bay.

I must say I find it rather amusing that whilst conscious I was very aware of the sun and getting burnt etc, however apparently first aiders and then the ambulance crew not so much as I am a little burnt on my back and shoulders!

However I wish to have a small grumble about some of the nursing staff at Wellington Hospital. Whilst I appreciate that they have long days and annoying patients I do not think that essentially barking at me or being rude to my boyfriend is at all appropriate - especially on the day when it comes out that they are one of the worst emergency departments in New Zealand.

As someone who spends a lot of time in and out of hospitals, I do think that people skills are vital to have in the medical profession, I really don't care if you topped med school (ok so I probably would like that Dr) but if you don't have people skills you are not a good Dr or Nurse or other medical professional if you can't relate to people and make them feel at ease.

Oh well I was only in for a few hours and spent most of it unconscious/asleep but I do not think that just because a nurse is having a bad day that that should be subjected onto patients afterall for us to be in emergency I'm sure our day is not going to plan either!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

The search for the hottest Male Out of Towner

My fellow Confectioners and patrons,

Red Confectionery is looking for this years hottest Male Out of Towner despite the fact that some of us have been majorily disapointed by the male out of towner said specimens in the brawn and brains department.

To qualify for this prestigious award the applicant must be

1. Male
2. Over 21
3. Born and raised in the small towns, villages and country side surrounding Auckland, Wellington and Christchurch.

Receiving applications now.

Australian Election Party

As requested by few of our fans and copied from Facebook event invite since I cant be bothered.

Australian Election Party

Is Johnny (Lazerus with a triple By Pass) Howard going to be reelected again or is Kevin (Milky Bar Kid) Rudd going to be the next Prime Minister of the West island?

Come and join hundreds of others at Thomas Forde's Australian Bar (for one day only). Dress up as your favourite Australian. There will be prizes for the best dressed. Thongs, singlets and akubras allowed.

This event is open to people of all political hues. Even Pauline Hanson supporters!

It is guarenteed to be a night of high tension, unbearable excitement, drinking and out of tune renditions of waltzing matilda.

For one night only Thomas Forde's Irish bar becomes Australian and welcomes anyone interested in following the election of the year.

Start Time:
Saturday, November 24, 2007 at 6:00pm
End Time:
Sunday, November 25, 2007 at 3:00am
Thomas Forde's Australian Bar
122 Anzac Avenue

Monday, November 19, 2007

We love her

Our inspiration. See How to lose a guy in ten days or less.

The profound observations of the Herald


Sunday, November 18, 2007

How to lose a guy in ten days - or less

Oh there are so many things, where do I start?

This is a joint post by myself and Pearl, based on common sense and personal experience. And a bit of speculation.

The following list is handy, as it saves on hurt feelings and brutal honesty. So if you don't like a guy and are going out with him, this is what you should do...(Best time to do this is during the first 3 months)

1. When your boyfriend visits your house for the first time, in the first two weeks of seeing each other, have a framed photo of the two of you on your mantelpiece. Or even better, your bedside table. Beside your Holy Bible, opened up to Corinthians 13. On top of a few Bride and Groom magazines.

2. Have his name tattooed on your left breast.

3. After the first time you sleep together, say "I always knew my first time would be [insert location]."

4. Call him several times a day, ask him where he is all the time and who he is with.

5. Go through his text messages.

6. Make him your other half on Bebo after your first date together.

7. Buy his and her things.

8. Ring his mother and arrange a social meeting without him knowing.

9. Buy a ring and broadcast on Facebook that you are engaged to [insert said specimen's name].

10. Say I love you in the first week (this has happened to me - very very creepy -Lulu)

11. Scream "Oh Daddy" when you are having sex with him.

12. Dramatic wild passionate public displays of affection. In front of his friends and parents. Will work well at funerals, his brother's graduation and especially grandma's house on a Sunday after church.

13. Sit on his best friends lap. That'll confuse the fuck out of him.

14. You're going home together, climb up onto his bed, jump up and down and yell out "Playtime!"

15. Arrange him to meet you in the morning and to just let himself in. Have your gay guy friends walk around the house naked and a few in your bed while you're semi naked in the spooning position.

16. Visit his work and show the receptionist your brand new ring. She'll send a congratulatory email to him cc everyone in the firm.

17. Go swimming in bathing togs with a permanent wedgie.

18. When shopping together, steal his house key, get a cut copy and when he is away at work - refurbish his whole flat with girly things.

19. You now have a copy key to his place - why not go to your local Kodak store and blow up some pictures of yourself and him to A1 size, have them framed, then mount them on the walls in prominent places in the house. This will work well in flatting situations and in communal living areas.

20. Use his toothbrush.

21. Ask him to move in with you after 2 weeks of seeing each other. This has happened to me - Pearl...yes i know FREAK!!!

22. Throw out all his clothes and replace them with Ambercrombie and Fitch

23. Delete all his songs on his ipod and replace them with love ballads and the following band: Backstreet Boys, Celine Dion, Enrique Ingelias, Christina Aguilera, Avril Lavigne, N Sync and other boy/girl pop group you can think of.

That's all we can think of. One of the above should be sufficient to freak out any reasonable and sane straight male. And maybe get you chucked in a loony bin. But hey.

xx L & P

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Three things

I have three things to talk about.

1. Dress up parties. I'm so sick of them.

It is hard enough going through the arduous procress of making oneself look pretty. Which can include all of the following: Plucking, waxing, shaving, hair washing, hair conditioning, hair masks, cleansing, exfoliating, toning, moisturising, outfit choosing, clothes washing, hectic (and not quite completed) use of the clothes dryer, applying makeup, hair drying, hair serum, hair straightening, perfume application. WHOA.

Not to mention the rest of the things that need doing: Buying bottles of booze, calling taxis, making sure something's in the stomach (see why this often gets missed out).

And it's not fun going out in public in costume. It may be nice to be stared at sometimes, but not when you know it's only due to the uniqueness of your clothing. And the fact that you probably look stupid.

This is particularly difficult after a day at the beach on a Saturday, or even worse, a Friday after work. Sometimes I wonder, why am I feeling stressed on a weekend?

So when I receive an invitation to a theme party, I am not at all pleased. If I know the person well enough I will even be so rude as to turn up in mufti.

It's not cool.

Fact about dress up parties: most girls love them, especially the themes that give them an excuse to wear short shorts and those criss crossy stockings. It brings out our inner 'diva,' you could say.

But give me a normal party any day.

2. The Electoral Finance Bill.

Can't we just outlaw the Exclusive Brethren?

Bad joke. But regardless of the benefits that this bill could bring to election campaign fairness (and I am becoming more doubtful of this each time I read the media. Hmmm. Maybe this is telling. Perhaps the media have a vested interest in this issue?), it's not politically savvy. And at the end of the day, governments can't go around (blatantly) doing what the public doesn't want.

I'm being reminded of Thatcher's last years. That's right, her last years. When she got on that 'My way or the highway' buzz. Some studies would say that many third term governments do it. And many would say that they promptly get chucked out.

Swallow your pride Labour, I don't want National to get elected.

3. Lulu has a new love interest. SS, and every other male in the universe, couldn't be further from her mind.

xx L

Friday, November 09, 2007

Love is in the air or is it?

You got me trippin, stumbling, flippin, fumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love
You got me slippin, tumbling, sinking, fumbling
Clumsy cuz I'm fallin in love
So in love with you”

In the lives and homes of Red Confectionery the topics of love, lust, boys, relationships and sex have always being a dominant conversational focal point. Politics of course is always a very close second.

Looking back at Red Confectionery history, new relationships have been developed, hearts have been crushed, Friday night hook-ups were once a bi weekly thing, new sexual experiences have been encountered and a few have considered out of towners as being potentially attractive.

Statistics show that 88% of the Red Confectionery population is single and have been for more than six months. How can this be? Majority of Red Confectioners are attractive, independent, educated and all individually possess many other great attributes plus all can cook and dance. One thing that always makes us ponder on the question whilst always being reminded by the forever wonderful world of social networking is – “How is it your biggest enemy, the dorkiest person you know, that egoistical prick, or just downright plain and ugly always seem to manage to get lucky or have joined that group whom call themselves happily married?

I am sure our fellow patrons would understand, just go through one of your Facebook friends list and count the amount of times you say what the fuck because Facebook has reminded you that yes unattractive boring as hell people can get and often do get lucky in love; such wedded and familial bliss adorn their page.

The gossip grapevine of So and So are currently engaged or are you going to the Wilmington’s wedding this sat has encouraged some of the Red Confectionery population to join the fantastic Facebook group My friends are getting married, Im just getting Drunk”.

The group has now over 80,000 members who understand the perils of hearing constant stories about your previous high school classmates getting hitched. These members understand the anguish and the need to actually be a bit tiddly while one sits through the long monotonous speeches that frequent at weddings or keeping your mouth shut while you think wow another white strapless dress and roses – how original.

Hearing and seeing many current and past friends, acquaintances and enemies getting hitched all under the age of 24 does make one freak out and consider their relationship status. We always knew the marriage and family thing would be inevitable but by the age of 24 – Isn’t that a bit too soon or perhaps for some an indication of loneliness and desperation?

“You know it's bad when someone proposes to you at the beginning of the year(i said no!!) and are engaged to someone else by the end of the year - desperation????”
Sarah Kyfinn (West midlands) – member of the group “My friends are getting married, I’m just getting Drunk”.

The sad thing is that this non relationship spell has left some of fellow Red Confectioners mildly desperate at times as well where we have considered the following:

  • Speed Dating
  • Expanding our horizons to men belonging to the Out of Towner category.
  • Overdosing ourselves on Dr Phil relationship advice
  • Milky way bars
  • Going on a blind date with the I.T guy from work
  • Reading the book ‘The Rules’
  • Going back to church just because a group of hot guys walk in
Where do you meet people these days? Is there a secret club that no one at Red Confectionery knows about? Can Red Confectionery really follow the Rules religously and can anyone say it actually works while also keep your own self dignity at the same time.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

A Church Like No Other

This Sunday ARISE CHURCH in Wellington turns 5. It is headed by Pastors John and Jillian Cameron with an amazing number of other Wellington based Pastors as well, such as Levi and Nadia Marychurch the youth pastors and Ben and Anna Carroll who are the children and Young Adults pastor.

This is church that started off with 30 people and now has 1400 members and three services on a Sunday plus a youth service on a Friday night. With a constant stream of different pastors from around the world speaking this church is never boring.

This Sunday there will one service at the Wellington Town Hall at 5pm, and be assured it will be like no church service you have ever attended, there will actually be fireworks involved in the service and a huge number of people there.

100 years ago there was an article publsihed in a local Wellington paper stating that more people were attending movies each week than church, whilst last week another local paper wrote more people are attending church than the movies each week - ironic that Arise does not have a permanent location but is usually at the Paramount Theatre.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Guy Fawkes

I love Guy Fawkes.

Why? - Fireworks, Birthday Celebrations, pressies and cake!