Sunday, November 18, 2007

How to lose a guy in ten days - or less


Oh there are so many things, where do I start?

This is a joint post by myself and Pearl, based on common sense and personal experience. And a bit of speculation.

The following list is handy, as it saves on hurt feelings and brutal honesty. So if you don't like a guy and are going out with him, this is what you should do...(Best time to do this is during the first 3 months)

1. When your boyfriend visits your house for the first time, in the first two weeks of seeing each other, have a framed photo of the two of you on your mantelpiece. Or even better, your bedside table. Beside your Holy Bible, opened up to Corinthians 13. On top of a few Bride and Groom magazines.

2. Have his name tattooed on your left breast.

3. After the first time you sleep together, say "I always knew my first time would be [insert location]."

4. Call him several times a day, ask him where he is all the time and who he is with.

5. Go through his text messages.

6. Make him your other half on Bebo after your first date together.

7. Buy his and her things.

8. Ring his mother and arrange a social meeting without him knowing.

9. Buy a ring and broadcast on Facebook that you are engaged to [insert said specimen's name].

10. Say I love you in the first week (this has happened to me - very very creepy -Lulu)

11. Scream "Oh Daddy" when you are having sex with him.

12. Dramatic wild passionate public displays of affection. In front of his friends and parents. Will work well at funerals, his brother's graduation and especially grandma's house on a Sunday after church.

13. Sit on his best friends lap. That'll confuse the fuck out of him.

14. You're going home together, climb up onto his bed, jump up and down and yell out "Playtime!"

15. Arrange him to meet you in the morning and to just let himself in. Have your gay guy friends walk around the house naked and a few in your bed while you're semi naked in the spooning position.

16. Visit his work and show the receptionist your brand new ring. She'll send a congratulatory email to him cc everyone in the firm.

17. Go swimming in bathing togs with a permanent wedgie.

18. When shopping together, steal his house key, get a cut copy and when he is away at work - refurbish his whole flat with girly things.

19. You now have a copy key to his place - why not go to your local Kodak store and blow up some pictures of yourself and him to A1 size, have them framed, then mount them on the walls in prominent places in the house. This will work well in flatting situations and in communal living areas.

20. Use his toothbrush.

21. Ask him to move in with you after 2 weeks of seeing each other. This has happened to me - Pearl...yes i know FREAK!!!

22. Throw out all his clothes and replace them with Ambercrombie and Fitch

23. Delete all his songs on his ipod and replace them with love ballads and the following band: Backstreet Boys, Celine Dion, Enrique Ingelias, Christina Aguilera, Avril Lavigne, N Sync and other boy/girl pop group you can think of.

That's all we can think of. One of the above should be sufficient to freak out any reasonable and sane straight male. And maybe get you chucked in a loony bin. But hey.

xx L & P

6 comments:

welly_girl said...

Oh I love you ladies! I can't stop giggling and have shared these with the rest of the office.

Lulu said...

I thought of another one - nominate your boy on superlatives as most likely to be a good dad.

It's very easy to scare guys.

Diving into the wreck said...

ha ha ha gosh i love you and pearls blogs.

another one

Take him to a baby shower with his mother and sister and go all oooh aaah over baby stuff.

SNICE said...

Thats a cool list

Mr A said...

Brilliant! Especially No. 1

Samantha Hensley said...

okay I love your whole list of great ideas on how to lose a guy in ten days. I will definately try this on my ex-boyfriend who I am having trouble getting off my ass. Trust me he is verry anoying. If only you knew the half of the shit I have to go through almost every day. In my oppinion he is verry psychotic. I seriously regret even dating him. I am going to make a copy of your list and do everything that you have done. I hope it works. he tells me that he loves me and that he will do anything and everything in his power to get me back and I have told him time after time that I don't want to be with him but it seems like he never listens. All he seems to care about is him. Him Him Him. He don't care about anybodies happiness but his and it bugs the living shit out of me. Plus he is verry obsessive and jealous and controling. In my oppinion I am way too young for him and i just feel like he should date someone his own age and probably lose a little wieght.