Sunday, November 25, 2007

Out of Towners


On the streets, between hallways, in the bathrooms and the alike people have been asking Red Confectionery – What the hell is an Out of Towner? Free Dictionary online, Your dictionary.com and American Heritage dictionary define an Out of Towner as simply a visitor from another town or city.

Red Confectionery would like to extend that definition and place it in a New Zealand context. And lets face it, anywhere below the Bombay Hills and above North Shore city besides lets say Wellington and Christchurch is just small towns, villages and quaint countryside.

We have all encountered an Out of Towner, some more than others. They should never be confused with the country bumpkins, hicks and hillbillies. Hillbillies drives pick up trucks and deliver hay in winter. Country bumpkins are quaint, drink English breakfast tea and attend regular church meetings – it is possible that your own grandmother is a country bumpkin. Hicks are just hicks and need no definition.

The term Out of Towner was first mentioned a few months ago when Red Confectionery met a dear friend of ours (then) current hookup/potential love interest. Coffee was drank, words were exchanged and opinions based on first impressions were imprinted in Red Confectionery’s mind. Afterwards our dear friend asked the always inevitable question “ So what do you think of him?” to which Red Confectionery reply was “ He seemed nice but you could tell he was an Out of Towner”.

Since then Red Confectionery has been a tad obsessed with Out of Towner’s especially the male types. We have come to the conclusion that a successful relationship with an Out of Towner is near impossible especially for those confectioners residing in Auckland and most likely Wellington.

Lets look at some two dramatizations of Out of Towner encounters based on real life situations:

Scene One: You met a guy at a dance party, the beer goggles mixed with the amber lighting makes him and every other guy look hott. You hook up, there’s an exchange of saliva and he gets your actual digits. The following week he texts you and seems sweet. He mentions that he is lives in Thames and is coming up in a few weeks. You meet up and you first notice his unwashed unkempt hair that even the K rd and Elam art students wouldn’t even attempt. He wears brown corduroy pants and a grayish yellowish white woolen jumper that you thought died with Fred Dagg. After that he bores you to death with his small town stories and other quips that are so dull that its not even worth mentioning

Scene Two: You hang out with a guy who claims he is from the city, you reply so you’re from [insert Auckland or Wellington] here, he mentions no Hamilton. Smirk, chuckle. You and lets call him Jas hang out with the neighbors. You both get more than tipsy and the 3am munchies kick in. Luckily subway, kebabs and the night life is just around the corner. You and Jas walk up and the lovely ladies from Family and Cabaret embrace you with open air kisses. A few guys are holding hands and making out. It is a beautiful site. Love is all around even if it is punch drunk love. Jas seems quiet and has that facial expression that screams shock horror. You ask if he is okay and he comes back with " What a load of freaks, this place is fucking weird....fucking weirdos, its sick, gays should be locked up bla bla bla bla and so on"
Charming is it not? The walk back home is quiet and now you and the neighbors are looking for every excuse in the book to get rid of him without it being obvious.


But how does one define our New Zealand/Kiwi version of an Out of Towner - they are "special" breed of peoples and as said before should never be mistaken for the country hick, hillbilly or bumpkins. The above scenes are just insights into Red Confectionery's encounters with actual Out of Towners. Tragic yes i have to agree.

Here is some characteristics of an Out of Towner:
  • They wear rugby socks pulled up on a friday night in the city.
  • Have never ventured out from the town they were born in.
  • The local RSA is their local hangout - even if they are under the age of 60
  • They look like they wear clothes that were bought in an op shop ten years ago
  • UB40 is on their party playlist.
  • They stare at city people alot.
  • They think Hamilton is a city.
  • They think Whangarei is a city
  • They says things like ' He must of". [ For fucks sakes people, its ' He must have']
  • They think Helen Clark is a raging lesbian and that Winston Peters is the best thing since sliced bread.
  • Classic Hits is their favourite radio station
  • Out of Towners hate Aucklanders
  • They are easily charmed with anything from Glassons and a fluffy striped jumper.
  • Their diet consists of:
    • Breakfast - Toast, Margarine and Instant Coffee
    • Lunch - Ham Sandwiches
    • Dinner -lots of Mutton, maybe a kidney pie for special occasions. Mashed potato and tomato sauce. Maybe some tinned spaghetti.
    • Going out Dinner- Fish and Chips
  • They are terrified of Trannys.
  • They watch Flying Doctors and any other show that has farm dogs, tractors and green fields.
These are only a few of the characteristics but ones that Red Confectionery believes will stand out to our fellow patrons in the quest to find the Hottest Out of Towner. Out of Towners can also be the sweetest, kindest, loveliest peoples in the word but just a bit simple and are just plain tragic. Applications have been received for the hottest Out of Towner and Red Confectionery will posts a few profiles over the next few days.

8 comments:

Blair said...

Let it also be said that anyone from Christchurch, while technically NZ's second-largest city, is still odds on to be a jaw-dragging redneck and therefore an honorary out-of-towner.

Wellington is just a glorified village full of civil servants and therefore not technically a city either.

Actually, who am I kidding? I despise anyone not from the Shore or Kingsland. :oP

Diving into the wreck said...

If we extend it to that then most of New Zealand would probably fall under the Out of Towner category tho you do need to a tick off checklist thing to see they did actually fit.

And yes North Shore is the greatest!

Heine said...

Well no, Helen is most certainly not raging :)

CHCH is very backwater... although I could call your entire bluff on this and say Kiwis as a whole are very much the same when you look at them OUTSIDE NZ. Christ. Have a walk around Kentish Town North London on a Sunday afternoon around 3pm :)

Anonymous said...

Pearl, youre nothing but a fucking JAFA. You think you are better than the rest of us. Fuck you.

Diving into the wreck said...

Go the JAFA's!!!!!!!!!

Pearl said...

Look everyone I have a fan - lucky me.

Anonymous thank you for reminding me that Yes i am better than you.

Anonymous said...

..they think WWF wrestling is real
..they go to speedway
... they wear clothes covered in adverts for car & oil companies
... they think people who read books are weird
..they're going to vote national because labour is too 'communist' for them now
..they think mark sainsbury & paul holmes are journalists

Brian said...

I'm an "out of towner" but I just took this article as tounge in cheek.

However, it's not just hillbillies who feed out hay in winter, most farmers who have well stocked farms have to do it.

And traditionally national has had policies who benefit farmers more than labours ones. Labour even tried to make a law which meant that anyone could cross our property to get to a public resource, such as a river, and it'd be our fault if they fell down a bank, if they left a gate open and the stock got out, or if our bulls charged at them.

A good bit of fun though (the article).