Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Guide for Guys


I have been meaning to give guys some hints for achieving success in the area of lurve for some time now. I have a lot of female friends that come from a wide cross section of society, so you can expect this to be "well researched."

On first meetings:

1. Compliment, compliment, compliment. Girls are unbridled narcissists. We love it when you notice our new haircut or pretty dress. There are of course, some things you shouldn't compliment. Eg. "Nice cleavage" - unless she is a dirty sleaze just like you, and enjoys that kind of thing. Another no no is "Nice foundation." Because what straight guy would be able to notice things like that?

2. Be interested. The more interested you are, the more interesting you will seem. Listen and try not to talk about yourself too much. Smile, nod and say things like, "Wow, that sounds really cool."

3. If appropriate, open doors and offer seats. I know, it's traditional as fuck, but we love a gentleman.

4. Watch how you smell. Be very careful. Some of the nicest guys will have no success with girls if the first thing she notices about you is a whiff of B.O. Hint: Smelling nice has the opposite effect, so load up on the expensive cologne. (notice how I do not mention Lynx) Nice colognes include John Paul Gaultier, Armani, and Calvin Klein 'One.' Smelling like soap is also manly, but for guys that usually only lasts an hour before they get smelly again. I CANNOT STRESS THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS POINT.

5. If you want to see a girl again, casually invite her out for a drink/party/hangout time during lunchbreak, with other people. This will make her feel more comfortable around you, giving you both time to decide if you want to progress to a one on one date.

On First Dates:

1. When you ask a girl out, BE A FUCKING MAN. Come on, you've done it for centuries, why stop now? Don't say, "Will you go out with me?" Turn it into a command and say "Come out with me to the movies this weekend." I mean, what have you got to lose? If she says no, then at least you'll know for sure - that it wasn't your hot friend she was really trying to get under.

2. When trying to decide on something to do for your first date, don't leave it all up to her. For one, you will probably end up seeing some lame chic flick that you'd rather buy for your mum. Take the lead; you were the one that asked her out. Dinner and drinks is ideal, if not a little serious. Ice cream on the beach is also nice. Things like absailing, adventure sports and getting pedicures together are not on. Originality is not a plus at this stage in a relationship; it will just freak her out.

3. Offer to pay for things. If she really likes you, she will split the bill anyway. I think this is justified, as guys usually earn more than us...

4. Don't try to sleep with her on the first date. You will have plenty of time to try this on later, and it can be awkward waking up with someone you don't know that well. Generally a relationship will fizz out if it climaxes too early. Unless of course, she comes on to you first and is OK with some early sexytime.

5. Text her the next day and say, "Hey I had a great time with you last night. Let's do it again sometime."

The Relationship

1. A girl's friends are important. It is vital that you get their approval, because if they don't like you, she will go off you too. Try to treat them like your own friends. When they're really drunk and need to spew, escort them to the boys toilets when the ladies has a huge line and wait outside their door. Offer to buy them drinks. Invite them to your (single) friend's parties. - This could benefit you, too.

But whatever you do, DON'T flirt with your girlfriend's mates. It will seriously fuck them off and believe me, she will find out. And as a general hint on human decency, don't date her friends when the relationship ends.

2. Don't cling. You don't have to spend every waking moment together. Make time to hang out with your own mates, or go away for that rugby (hint, rugby players are HOT) tournament every now and again. Girls are just like guys in a way. They like a challenge and if they know they have a guy wrapped around their little finger, their eyes will start to wander.

3. Take her out on the town with you. Don't become one of those couples that can't party. This will make you a seriously cool boyfriend.

4. Once again, listen to your girlfriend. Like you, she needs someone to vent to occassionally.

5. Be friends. That magic spark will usually fade (hopefully later rather than sooner) but friendship will give you long term success.

And finally, Bedroom Antics (with restrained use of graphics)

1. Missionary is underrated. Cunninglingus is overrated. Not all girls like it. In fact, some pass the time by staring at the wall and thinking about the washing. Some of us are even smart enough to know that the only reason you do it is for a little Indiana Jones exploring - you don't have one of your own so try to pass this "exploring" for an altruistic act. Make sure your partner is a cunninglingus fan before you venture below every night. (Hint: use your fingers if she isn't)

2. Again, listen to your girlfriend. Listen for noises of pleasure. (eg. Yes, Ooh, Aah) If she is brave enough to tell you what she wants in bed, don't EVER disobey her, because she will only ask you once, being the modest lady that she is. If you do ignore her requests, she will probably dump your ass.

3. Be the alpha male and dominate the bedroom scene. Sometimes, you just need to pin her down and do her. (I think I just spotted my feminist values flying out the window) We like a bit of manliness, it makes us feel protected and safe. Confidence is the biggest turn on.

4. Ask her to be honest with you when it comes to the Big O. Good things take time. For your own welfare, you need to be able to tell the difference between a bona fide and a fake if you are to have any future success with the ladies.

5. This is the most important thing guys need to get in their heads. It has the possibility to save marriages. It will make you an urban legend in girly circles. Find out where the G spot is. Most women have two. Each woman needs it stimulated in a slightly different way. Christ, download an anatomy picture off the net and study, study, study. Some guys have the view that stimulation of that whole 'area' guarantees satisfaction. It does not. You can't just land your plane anywhere.

It's not that bloody difficult.

Good luck.

31 comments:

Seamonkey Madness said...

What girlie mag did you plagiarise this from?

Anonymous said...

Interesting advice thanks. I will take it on board.Although most of it I do or have done in the past anyway.

Thanks

stef said...

Jesus christ. This post is the reason that NZ men date foreigners.

Men are relatively easy to please.

Show up naked. Bring food.

But let me hand some words of wisdom on this. If you decide to go across town in r-10 degree weather always catch a cab.

Lulu said...

I wrote it myself Seamonkey, girlie mags are full of horrible, unrealistic sex positions.

Anon - LOL.

Stef I thought the advice was pretty reasonable actually.

kiwigirl said...

I am completely with Stef on this one.

My personal favourite:

3. Offer to pay for things. If she really likes you, she will split the bill anyway.

I think this is justified, as guys usually earn more than us...

Puh-lease.

K

john said...

Bloody hell! Negotiating safe passage across no-man's land at Paschendale was easier.

Heine said...

Stefs right, blokes are dead easy to get, and if you need to ask if you gave a girl an orgasm, you didn't give her one.

Things like this overcomplicate the entire issue. Good god, no wonder I prefer the foreign girls!

Cactus Kate said...

Hmmmm.....

I think rather like "eat less and exercise more is the only way to lose weight" this is rather obvious.

The BO comments are excellent however and also applies to foot odour and smelly shoes.

You forgot to tell men to try REALLY hard not to fall asleep immediately after sex. Give it at least ten minutes.

welly_girl said...

Lulu - you should submit this to cosmo or cleo it would be something their readers would love.

Also Polly at ZM would love this as well.

Anonymous said...

I hate polly, grant and the whole morning crew

James said...

Typical....its always the man who has to do everything. No wonder we are all turning gay....so much less tiring.;-)

James said...

My guide for girls...

If you have been dipping out with the guys here's a hint....shave that top lip and any other face face you have...upchuck! A womans face should be smooth...guys don't want to date Captain Haddock....if they do they are already with him else where.Bleaching IS NOT shaving! Its still there waving in the breeze and grossing your man out...nasty!

If you are also a smoker then you better save your pennies because the combo of fuzz and smoke breath will ensure your only option for nookie will be buying take out...

Make sure down below is well washed and odourless...there's only so much fishermans basket your average bloke can fancy before retreating for air.Remove anything resembling tartare sauce...guys will not eat that which was garnished by the guy before....ewwwww!

Bad habits like picking your nose,not flushing your bits after going potty, and doing a lazy job on the leg shave also kill the mood for Mr Kiwi in most cases.Guys like to picture ion their minds a perfect,sexy woman with no faults...at least while in the bedroom.Visual put off's don't help in keeping Mr Winky up and firing as long as you may want....

Note: Guys fake it too! Pretending to cum or falling asleep are well used methods guys use to get out of having to continue on after becoming aware of some of the above turnoffs.Remember that guys are visual and the brain is wired direct to the dick...if the brain is not happy with what its processing that will lead to a poorer flying of the flag than you may have expected.

Do anal....most guys will disregard anything if you are putting out the prospect of backdoor action...its incredibly intimate,tight and satisfies the man's carnal need to dominate and have his woman submit to him....you will never be lonely again! ;-)

Well there ya go....some may disagree but its all tried and tested.

Sanctuary said...

Bahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Thats a really funny post.

The whole staying awake after sex thing, man thats so tough.

Lulu said...

I'm sure if a guy made a girl's guide I would think it just as unreasonable...

James, that was just a cleanliness guide... which most girls are pretty good at... at least the ones I know.

P.S. Ever actually tired anal James?

Anonymous said...

In regards to James comment, isn't it funny that the guys who hardly ever get any girls, have the most highest standards?

James said...

"P.S. Ever actually tired anal James?

Yep!... (Giving to a woman I hasten to add.)


Why?....are you up for it Lulu? ;-)

James said...

"In regards to James comment, isn't it funny that the guys who hardly ever get any girls, have the most highest standards?"

And you know this how anon...? If you consider a dislike of BO down below having the higest standards you are sadder than you seem...reread the girls guide to see fussy!

Pamziewamzie said...

I think she meant have you had someone do it to you...

Heine said...

If Anon was a female right Pam? Unless you know something we don't :)

James said...

"I think she meant have you had someone do it to you..."

No...as a guy its not my cup of tea.Im a "Christian" when it comes to this....its better to give then receive, ;-)

Why am I not surprised that you would be interested in this topic Pam...? Come out and declare your anal obsession! Open up. LOL.

Sanctuary said...

"...James said...
"P.S. Ever actually tired anal James?

Yep!... (Giving to a woman I hasten to add.)..."


To reveal what you get up in the privacy of your own bedroom to on the internet is vulgar and terribly common, to say the least.

Pamziewamzie said...

In all fairness, I did ask him. I wanted James to imagine what it would be like to have someone give it to him from behind.

James said...

To reveal what you get up in the privacy of your own bedroom to on the internet is vulgar and terribly common, to say the least."

Ahhhh sanctuary....? Go and read the rest of the thread and you may see that it concerns issues of sex etc....ohhhhh!

I was asked a question and I answered it....too much for you dear?

If sex bothers you then you go and have a shame induced handwring for both of us.....there's a good whimp.

James said...

"In all fairness, I did ask him. I wanted James to imagine what it would be like to have someone give it to him from behind."

And I said its not my thing Pam...but so what? Are you suggesting all women dislike anal and never initiate it? Sorry babe but you have a lot of growing up to do once you get out in the real world..The first time I did it was with a woman who asked me to....I was very surprised....as I am at your patronising anti-feminist idea that anal is something men must force on unwilling Women....wierd, and doing you no credit Pam...open your eyes and read around the net sometimes....there are many Women who ONLY enjoy anal while vaginal sex does nothing for them.

PS I knew you would get "stuck in" to this anal topic Pam...;-)

Heine said...

Im sure he would take it like a man. :)

James said...

Damm straight heine....then lashings of toast and ginger beer after wot!?

Pamziewamzie said...

Actually Sanctuary, thanks for pointing that out, not sure I really wanted to read the next bit...

I wasn't suggesting that James. But I don't think you should expect it to be a requirement from girls...

Oh yeah, stuck in har har...

James said...

"I wasn't suggesting that James. But I don't think you should expect it to be a requirement from girls... "

I don't....I meant that if a Woman was prepared to do it or consider it she was much more likely to receive attention from males...its a fact that guys are turned on by the idea and so will favour those gals who do over those who don't.Simple fact.

Just as a man who wax's,takes care of personal hygiene and is prepared to find the G-spot will receive more favour from the ladies no...? It go's both ways...

I never said anyone should be forced to do anything...but that should go without saying if you know anything about me.

Heine said...

I'm not a fan of it either, but if she asked nicely I suppose I would put out for her that way :)

Gman said...

"Cunninglingus is overrated"....yeah right.

Heine said...

I must of glossed over that bit G-man, WTF. It most certainly isn't overrated.

You just need to do it right. Most girls I know love it.