Saturday, February 03, 2007

Blonde Moment #1

Seriously. The shit girls go through to be hairless.

I was getting ready to go out last night, and thought I would give myself a quick wax. I have this great stuff: Naughty Nads. Actually, all-hair-wax-is-evil-and-only-reinforces-servitude-to-the-sexual-gratification-of-men. And it is so painful use. But, unfortunately, the best way to get rid of hair.

I placed the jar in the microwave to turn the wax into a substance suitable for ripping hairs off. I took it out after a minute and it was still solid. I put it on for another minute and got distracted trying to find a dress to wear.

I live in an apartment and the microwave is on top of the fridge. When I took the jar out of the microwave it was so hot that it practically resembled hot oil... but I was unaware of this until a little bit spilt on my hand, and then I had no choice - human pain reflexes - I dropped the jar. Most of the wax landed on my healthy, innocent unsuspecting leg. (which is kind of good as I don't know how the hell I'm going to get the rest of the stuff off the kitchen floor...)

Anyway, unfortunately the wax also wouldn't come off my leg, which was still burning. I tried to rip a bit off, as I usually would while waxing, but it took a piece of my skin with it. Ew ew ew ew. Apparently hot water also takes it off, but hot water is not very accomodating to burns. THERE WAS NOTHING IN THE INSTRUCTIONS TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH WAX BURNS. I felt shocked and angry. I would've gone to A & E but they are way too slow for my liking. I also had to be somewhere and would have received a grilling if I did not show up, burnt or not.

The wax ended up coming off with the little towelettes that came with the wax, but it was a very painful few 15 minutes. I now have a long stretch of blisters up my leg big enough to impede my walking. Not very nice. Not nice at all. And my skirt is covered with popped blister juice. (God I can be graphic sometimes)

I guess this is one of those cases like the novelty contact lenses, but I do think products should cater for accidents with advice in the packaging. Even a small word of comfort for whoever happens to be a victim of waxing. Just a little "The pain will go away soon and it will be worth it" would be great, thanks.

If you happen to be male, next time you hear that your girlfriend used hairwax - be grateful. Be very grateful. Shower her with affection and gifts. Emphasis on the gifts. Not only is waxing a bitch to do, it has a large degree of risk associated with it.

xx L

UPDATE: People at work told me to go to the doctor, went last night - had to go to a PRIVATE hospital!! - Doctor said they were 1st degree burns, bordering on 2nd. Doctor was really good looking, some kind of Heath Ledger look a like.

Doctor: "Sorry do you mind if I pull up your skirt a little to see it?"

Oh er, don't mind if I do, missus!!

Going back today to get dressing changed. Should be fun.


Piglet said...

Indeed. It's important to show appreciation for the discomfort endured by kissing it better. :oP

Lulu said...

Haha. Dodgy joke...

Anonymous said...

I believe that back, sack and crack wax must now need to be regulated by the ministry of hair removal to prevent further incidents.

I shall inform the politburo.

James said...

So YOU fucked up by over cooking the stuff and then spilt it on yourself?

Blame shifting Lefty! ;-0

Anonymous said...

Why don't you shave? I only get my legs waxed for special occasions by professionals

Anonymous said...

Are you trying to tell us that you were going to brazilian yourself?

Jesus wept!!!

I'd want to be exceptionally stoned before attempting such acts.

Anonymous said...

Fuck wax! I tried it once, making a reluctant boyfriend help me wax my bikini line. Because I certainly wasn't doing the strip yanking myself, I'm not a masochist!
I think we did something wrong, it bloody well hurt, I went a lovely shade of red, and it took literally forever to get rid of the hair. Never again!

Now it's that veet cream and shaving all the way. Less dangerous, no pain, all good.

Lulu said...

I do shave. But not around there. I was just doing the bikini line. Never got round to the bloody thing anyway, getting burned proved to be too big a distraction.

welly_girl said...

Yeah, I shave my legs, but get my brazilians done professionally. Even my waxer does not do her own brazilian or bikini area.

I don't find brazilians hurt, coz they use the hot wax rather than the strip wax, so its more effective and less painful.

MikeE said...

A private hospital? The comintern must be informed!

Lulu said...

You see, waiting at A&E with oozing blisters dripping onto the ground requires more immediate attention.

My Dad made me go there and paid for it anyway...

AND Accidents are still partly covered by the government at private hospitals.

Luke H said...

I'm with james here. You screwed up; have a cry!

I bet that Nads does have clear instructions and not to heat it up too much.

That said, get better soon. :-)

James said...

You see, waiting at A&E with oozing blisters dripping onto the ground requires more immediate attention.

My Dad made me go there and paid for it anyway...

AND Accidents are still partly covered by the government at private hospitals."

These excuses for running dog Capitalist treason to the proletariat do not wash traitor!

Comrade Heine...send her to the camps for "re-education" and Socialist "reaffirming".

(use the studded club...)


Pamziewamzie said...

(use the studded club...)

You're mad James, MAD.

James said...

You're mad James, MAD."

Showing you up by using your own Socialism against you is mad is it Pam?...maddening to you more like...;-)

Heine said...

Will indeed Comrade James. The assortment of studs will be appropriate to the crime.