Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Going the Distance

To continue on with the advice the Red Confec girls have been dishing out regarding girls, boys and relationships, here is some advice for anyone doing or contemplating long distance (NB this is not aimed at anyone in particular DPF).

Evaluate Motivation
There's no point in going down the long-distance path if one person is lukewarm about the commitment. Early in the relationship you both need to answer the question: "Do I want to commit to this person long term?" If it's not a clear yes, then get out.

Establish some Guidelines
Once you know about each other's commitment level, establish some rules for contact. Be specific and look to create boundaries around the frequency, time and type of contact. Consider phone calls, emails, texts, leter, face-to-face visits, late night calls etc.

Delay the Sex
Sounds bad, but if it has been while since you've seen your partner in person, allow time to reacquaint yourself again before you get physical (go out for coffee, bruch, dinner, a walk or a drive)

Deal with Issues Immediately
With distance putting extra strain on and limiting your communication, you need to recognise and work through any issues immediately. Don't wait to 'bring it up next time' - it will eat you up and jeopardise your relationship.

Be Transparent
Physical Distance can make misinterpretation more common so return phone calls and text as soon as you can. Make sure all communication is easy to understand - the language in texts and emails can be easily misunderstood. If the message that you're sending brings your partner close, you're doing it right.

Have an End Point
Not to the relationship, but to the distance. It's important for both of you to know a definite date in the future when the long-distance aspect of your relationship will end, and you can be together full time. Someone will need to be prepared to move. If neither of you can compromise on this point, you're finished.

As per all our advice, we are not professionals but we do have personal experience in relationships, and as always find what is right for you and your partner as every couple has different wants and needs and connections.

4 comments:

Cactus Kate said...

Delay the Sex?

This is in the YEAH RIGHT section ladies. You have GOT to be joking. There are 2 options:

1. Meet at airport and restrain from groping all the way to the hotel in taxi.

2. Wait naked for him at the hotel in bed and jump each other as soon as.

I am sorry but there is no way mine and I will ever have a coffee or brunch or a walk together.

Long distance relationships are complete bullshit in theory but perfect in practice. You get wicked wanted sex, 100% concentration when you do see them and you never argue as you know there is no point. It's a definition of a perfect relationship if you can handle the moping for several days once you leave each other.

No need to over analyse it.

ex-expat said...

As someone who has shagged many a TDY (Temporarily divorced for a year) and MBA(Married But Available)I've come to the conclusion that if couples are separated for a long period of time, then someone is going cheat.

So my only piece of advice is thus:

1. Accept that your partner is likely to cheat on you while you are apart.
2. Accompany your partner to avoid 1.

Keith said...

I find this kind of advice to be too idealistic to be useful. It sounds practical, but in general it doesn't really reflect what happens.

eg,

The motivation...Most likely many people get into long distance relationships without a solid "Yes" for the long term commitment. They just know they don't want it to end because of distance. So the big thing is that you have to go into it with your eyes wide open with a good chance that one person may decide at some point that its not working for them.

Be transparent... good advice for any relationship.

Have an end point... sometimes that just isn't known.

The reality of long distance relationships has many forms, its pretty hard to give any general guidance.

kiwigirl said...

ha ha ha - I was going to say the only point I completely disagreed with was "delay the sex"

Please.

I'm crap at waiting at the best of times :)

xx k